Day by Day

"Everything happens for a reason"

I've been taking things day by day, at first it was a huge struggle.. Now being close to ten months of being away from my past. I feel stronger, happier, loved and cared for. There isn't much I can say about my journey cause for me its so faded, yet I still can tell you that the hill I thought I was trying to get over was only a tiny grain of sand, but at the time it was more then a hill, more like a mountain. The only way I pushed through to stand on my own was with the help of those who cared enough to help me. It'll be a struggle to make it through what is ahead of me but I know I'm ready for it. I have been for awhile now.

I would be lying if I said that every smile that shines is a real one.

Only in reality its a frown to ashamed to show.

Dear Depression

I find you amusing. Nothing but pain and complications when you're around. When you're not there is still a shadow over my head. You made my life hell. I hate that you were so hard to control. Now that its not a issue I find it hard to believe that at one point you controlled my every move. I wouldn't want to fight you because I was to weak to face you. Now that I'm stronger you seem so small, Like the problems that you brought along, I can finally fight you and succeed til the end. My smile is brighter and that shadow is no longer here to dwell over me. I find the feels of sadness and loneliness are completely gone. I can actually hold on to how I'm feeling and embrace it. Being happy and waking up in the morning is what I look forward to everyday, Death is not an a choice when it comes to my thoughts now. Living for the moment, what I have and who I am is the only option for me. So depression please know I want you to be gone forever, Because how I'm feeling daily now is the way for me to Live my Life.

Love,
Kayla

As time grows closer to the end
I am not strong enough to push through
Until the day comes
I'll be weak, scared, and unknown

You saved me once.. twice..
The third time wont be a charm
My heart is sinking
deeper and deeper it grows for the dark.

Time stops but only for a moment
In your arms is safety.
Warmth and I can hear your heart beat
Slowly our rhythms sync
together as one
and then for that moment I smile.

Blogging;

"For some reason I really like this now. At first the thought of blogging for everyone to see bored me. Why would anyone want to read stuff that I had to say, but turns out its a way for me to actually express myself, and how I see things. People may not like what I have to say but then again who cares. Obviously if I post things they are meant to be read by people. So why not post things that I like, Like my poetry.Yes some may say my poems are dark, well that's okay cause most of my poems have a meaning and maybe just maybe that day I feel like typing something that doesn't brighten everyone's day. but still gets you to feel what I'm feeling, How it is to be in my shoes. I guess right now I'm just ranting about nonsense but its true, Not everyone is going to like the way I phrase things or how deep my emotions can get but I'm okay with that because in reality everyone has their right to have their own opinions, even though you may not agree with what they have to say." <- From a previous post

Now that  its been a few weeks with blogging I realized I really love this, and will be continuing with this because like I said in the last passage above it helps me with figuring out my problems or certain situations, it's my coping mechanism, and finally I found something that works for me. My blog is just a journal for me, its my life in writing, my thoughts and feelings typed for everyone to see, and hopefully a way for others to really understand who I am, instead of judging me for something I'm not.

To a close friend;

Years have gone by

a friendship still going on strong

Ups and Downs

you stood by my side

 while the rest ran and tried to hide,

 My friend

not like the rest. 

"the dogs" "The boys"

nothing to compare you to

protected me, From the ones untrue

The ones who made me cry

In some moments you dried my eyes

made me smile, Told me things will be okay

That they will get better after awhile
 When times get tough you never said good bye
For so many years you have been here
I can never thank you enough
for the reasons are unknown
with you by my side I'll never be alone

So smile when Times get rough
laugh when they see you crumble
because no matter what
I'll always be right by your side

 

-Kayla Pesek

My Hero;

Grandpa

Through the sickness, you smile

through the tears, a laugh comes around

The struggles are made to break us

but with your struggles you stay strong

The love you share

warms the hearts of those who care

 For each day, it brings a new beginning 

A new day to smile and be with those so proud

 A man with a smile that can go on for miles

Caring and strong

He pushes forward when his sickness brings him down

My younger year seems so faded now that the time is near

Each day I cherish, Trying to be the person you wanted me to be

 Knowing your proud, and that even though it's hard someday everything will be okay 

When I have children of my own and they ask me who I looked up to the most 

I'll say "My grandfather" and if they ask why I'll reply " Because he's the one who helped me as a person grow into someone I wanted to be." 

Grandpa You mean the world to me, and when things get rough again I know you'll be right by my side to say everything that is wrong with my life in the end will be okay.

Keep strong and hold on because this fight is not going to be easy to beat but I know you'll be able to

I love you

The last four months have been really hard for my family, my grandpa was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, stage 2 bone cancer with mesothelioma. I am very close to my grandpa. The thought of him not being around one day shatters me. He is my hero, Even with cancer he still day by day has a smile on his face. Stays strong for everyone in our family, even when he doesn't have enough strength to move from one room to another. I love my grandpa dearly and without his love and support with everything I do, it will be a major struggle  for me. There isn't an easy way to prepare yourself for death of a loved one but at some point I'll have to face the reality that he isn't going to be around forever. My grandpa is a loving and caring man, who would drop everything to see his family happy. He has helped me through a lot over these years, The moments I thought I was going to crack again he was by my side making sure I was alright, With everything I do he is there, and proud of me. I am proud to be the granddaughter of such a great man. I love you grandpa so much. I will always love you. I just hope someday I can make you as proud as I am of you.

The worst movie I've seen;

I absolutely hate the Fast & Furious movies. They bore me. Its nothing but cars and racing, the acting is terrible and I couldn't stay focused on the movie when I tried to watch them with a few friends.

Gross ^

If I had $150...

If I had $150 I would buy a brand new pair of Nike shoes.
The shoe's only cost $110 but I can also customize them to the way I want them. I would have them be high tops, with teal green, Pink, and white for  the colors  of the shoes. I've been trying to get new shoes for awhile so that is what I'd spend my money on.. (:

Check them out;
http://store.nike.com/us/en_us/product/air-mogan-mid-id-shoe/?piid=21888#?pbid=2603519&mid=289463859&sitesrc=nikestoreNT_sfem&cp=us_em_auto_idshrdesgn

Treyy Songzz (:

Can't be friends 

Verse 1:
Look What This Girl Done Did To Me,
She Done Cut Me Off From A Good Good Love.
She Told Me That Those Days Were Gone.
(Gone, Gone, Gone)

Chorus:
Now Im Sitting Here Going Half Crazy.
Cause I Know She Still Thinks About Me Too.
And There Aint No Way In Hell, That I Can Be Just Friends With You.
(You, You, You)
And I Wish We Never Did It,
And I Wish We Never Loved It,
And I Wish I Never Fell So Deep In Love With You And Now There Aint No Way That We Can Be Friends.

Verse 2:
The Way You Felt, No Faking It.
Maybe We Were Moving Just A Little Too Fast.
But What We've Done We Cant Take It Back.
(Back, Back, Back)

Chorus:
Now Im Sitting Here Half Way Crazy.
Cause I Know She Still Thinks About Me Too.
And There Aint No Way In Hell, That I Can Be Just Friends With You.
(You, You, You)
And I Wish We Never Did It,
And I Wish We Never Loved It,
And I Wish I Never Fell So Deep In Love With You And Now There Aint No Way That We Can Be Friends.

And Now All I Can Say Is Lalalalalalala.
Laaaaaa..
Lalalalalalalala
Lalala ohhh
Lalalalalalaaa..
Aint No Telling What We Could Of Been
(Aint No Telling What We Could've Been)

Break:
And If I Knew we'd End Like This,
I Never Would Of Kissed You Cause I Fell In Love With You.
We Never Would Of Kicked It, Girl Now Everything Is Different
I Lost My Only Lover And My Friend, Thats Why I Wish We Never Did It.
And I Wish We Never Loved It,
And I Wish I Never Fell So Deep In Love With You And Now There Aint No Way That We Can Be Friends.
And Now All I Can Say Is Lalalalalalala.
Laaaaaa..
Lalalalalalalala
Lalala ohhh
Lalalalalalaaa..
Aint No Telling What We Could Of Been

I love this song, well actually I love anything trey songz write/sings. So I just chose this one(:

Waiting on Love.

To find love you have to open your heart, Allow someone to see the side of you that no one else could. Not to be afraid to be who you are. We always want someone to come along an save us from ourselves, make it a reality that its okay to be who you are, that you shouldn't have to fake that your okay, or that your happy, or settle for something that isn't really there. So why do some people settle? why do people act like everything is okay? when its clear as day that its not. I believe it's because we never want to face the actual truth. We don't want things in our lives to go wrong. But we need them to. We need them to because then we can build ourselves, make ourselves stronger, so we can handle things we never thought possible. Until we find that someone who makes us want to be stronger, makes us want to not only build ourselves but build the world around us together. The love you wanna find is out there, you just have to be willing to look. Willing to open up to the world around you. You may fall completely and get hurt but that's the price, one of those chances will be the right one.

Hello Liar;

Lies

You brought me here.

Everything you said

Blank, Shattering,Untrue

Made everything numb.

The petty life

twisted and torn 

made it possible to change others

their beliefs, their knowledge 

shattering the love they thought once possible

Effortless 

no longer wanting 

you tor me to pieces 

shattered what I had left 

My life now forever surrounded 

by the lies you made.

-Kayla Pesek

10/27/11

What I found;

Blogging assignment;

http://chonglinly.blogspot.com/?expref=next-blog
I Loved her Blog, She posted some great poetry, and for that reason I chose to follower her.
I especially Love her poetry post on November 10, 2008. It talks about hiding everything, Isolating herself, Not talking to anyone just for the one chance to be alone. I also love all her pictures, it makes her blog more personal.

Not ready for the Outside

The day I got out of the impatient, I was excited to finally get back to my "Normal" life setting, But I wasn't expecting what was ahead of me.

The day started off fine, any normal day. Wake up, get ready then head out, but that day was anything but normal. My mom told me If I wanted to take more time off that I could, I chose to go instead thinking I would be alright, that I was strong enough for it. I wasn't, not the slightest bit.
I went into school, hugged a few friends then the questions started. "Where were you" "Is it true, did you actually try" "why didn't you talk to anyone". The thing is, if I tried no one would ever understand where I was coming from. So like I always did I hid my emotions, Faked like everything was okay. When in reality I never really was. The first few hours were okay, But until 5th hour, I couldn't take it anymore. My good friend at the time took me to the library, not knowing what was in store for him. Like we always did, we went to the library, but this time was different. We didn't talk. I just cried. As our time passed, Like any other day we would've gone back to class but instead I chose to stay until the end of fifth hour. The best choice for me. He chose to stay to, I love him deeply for that. Each class had it's struggles that day but when things got to be to hard for me He was there. Always there.

When struggling with depression its always good to take your time with it, Don't try and rush things, Like I did. I rushed myself back into my old life. I wasn't 100% which set me back. Take your time, It'll all be worth it in the end. If you struggle with anything it's okay to speak out, and get the help you need, Don't hold anything in. It's not healthy at all.

8 months and I'm still here.

It has been 8 months and Life couldn't be more of struggle for me.

On March 25,2011 My best friend saved my life

He pushed me to get the help I needed, without him I wouldn't be here today.
From day one when I was admitted into Abbott Northwestern Hospital, I've had a better time dealing with what problems I face. There I learned how to control my urges, How to handle different situations, and when to just walk away. At Abbott Northwestern, I struggled the first couple of days, crying and having my melt downs, and just feeling isolated. Until we branched out into our groups, I finally opened up. There I met the most amazing people, and to this day we still keep in touch. They understood me, the way no one else ever could.They helped me through a lot, with a constant reminder that from this day forward no matter where we are, they will catch me when I fall.
It was three in the morning when I was finally admitted into the building, but the hours before that were the most difficult for me. In the emergency room is where it all hit me. Seeing patients being rushed into the hospital scared me. I cried in my moms arms, and in that moment I realized things were about to get real. In the hospital I learned a lot about myself, about who I am, and what I stand for.

A link to the place that put me back together:
http://www.abbottnorthwestern.com/

This one is for you;

My True Friend

With each step

each breath 

A stone left un-turn 

Our journey together, with more lessons to learn

My life in your hands

you made me who I am

Priceless, almost lifeless

You rescued me

My lowest you made me shine

My smile so dull, Soon sparked by you

The laugh so faint, Echos as people pass through

You showed me the brighter side

From the emptiness that I hide

you opened my eyes

The world around me seemed so blank

Until that day, My heart sank

You showed me who I am

Strong, Careful,Kind

Your heart so full

you let me through

Just remember my true friend

I will always love you

-Kayla Pesek

10/26/11

Harm;

Their Words

Their Words

The rude and cruel things they say 

Are written all over my body. 

with each scar on my arms & legs,

That the razors left across 

Each one deeper then the last

Cut by Cut making the words disappear, but only for a moment.

When the next hits

It hits you harder then the last.

Their Words

Fill my head with Lies about myself 

Until the day they become reality

I don't even know myself anymore

The person everyone knew 

Happy, with a smile that brightens most

is now dull and depressed

Because I finally see how others see me

Your words

Sweet and secure.

My body left with scars 

still look as it did yesterday

in others eyes

Beautiful 

My smile goes from Dull to Warm

and thats when it hits me

I have become someone I'm not

Because I let others control who I am

Your sweet words bring me back to reality

I become myself again

and finally

 those words that consumed me
become small like the dust left on a pin.

-Kayla Pesek.

10/25/11

This brought reality;

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EY2Yct8LjOo
My best friend Anna Buege, made me listen to this song the day I got out of the Hospital, When I heard it I cried. My best friends held me together when I was at my weakest. She stood by me while others left. She's a true friend.

Help with Depression;

This website has a lot of information on depression:

http://www.cmha.ca/bins/content_page.asp?cid=3-86-87

Causes.

• Specific distressing life event.
• a biochemical imbalance in brain.
• psychological factors, Like negative or pessimistic view of life.

Symptoms of Depression.

• Feeling worthless, helpless, or hopeless
• Sleeping more or less than usual
• eating more or less than usual
• having difficulty concentrating or making decisions
• loss of interest in taking part in activities 
• avoiding other people
• overwhelming feelings of sadness or grief
• feeling unreasonably guilty
• loss of energy, feeling very tired
• thoughts of death or suicide 

My Life;

"With each path you take you have two choices, you can go Left or you can go Right, You may not always like where you end up but its how you got there that means something."

 For the past year I have had to deal with a lot in my life, and where it has led me, well it has been a long journey.  I'm not ashamed of my past and how I dealt with the problems I faced, In someways it made me stronger as a person rather than weak, as some say I am. I've made some mistakes that is but do I regret them, No. Because if I hadn't made them I wouldn't be where I am today. Each person deals with suicidal thoughts differently. Some just let it pass, Others go to the extreme of taking action. Depression Kills.

 "We often are thrown into problems that may cut us down as a person and tear us apart, but those that have the courage to stand up again, are the one that are true to themselves. "