Waiting on Love.

To find love you have to open your heart, Allow someone to see the side of you that no one else could. Not to be afraid to be who you are. We always want someone to come along an save us from ourselves, make it a reality that its okay to be who you are, that you shouldn't have to fake that your okay, or that your happy, or settle for something that isn't really there. So why do some people settle? why do people act like everything is okay? when its clear as day that its not. I believe it's because we never want to face the actual truth. We don't want things in our lives to go wrong. But we need them to. We need them to because then we can build ourselves, make ourselves stronger, so we can handle things we never thought possible. Until we find that someone who makes us want to be stronger, makes us want to not only build ourselves but build the world around us together. The love you wanna find is out there, you just have to be willing to look. Willing to open up to the world around you. You may fall completely and get hurt but that's the price, one of those chances will be the right one.

Hello Liar;

Lies

You brought me here.

Everything you said

Blank, Shattering,Untrue

Made everything numb.

The petty life

twisted and torn 

made it possible to change others

their beliefs, their knowledge 

shattering the love they thought once possible

Effortless 

no longer wanting 

you tor me to pieces 

shattered what I had left 

My life now forever surrounded 

by the lies you made.

-Kayla Pesek

10/27/11

What I found;

Blogging assignment;

http://chonglinly.blogspot.com/?expref=next-blog
I Loved her Blog, She posted some great poetry, and for that reason I chose to follower her.
I especially Love her poetry post on November 10, 2008. It talks about hiding everything, Isolating herself, Not talking to anyone just for the one chance to be alone. I also love all her pictures, it makes her blog more personal.

Not ready for the Outside

The day I got out of the impatient, I was excited to finally get back to my "Normal" life setting, But I wasn't expecting what was ahead of me.

The day started off fine, any normal day. Wake up, get ready then head out, but that day was anything but normal. My mom told me If I wanted to take more time off that I could, I chose to go instead thinking I would be alright, that I was strong enough for it. I wasn't, not the slightest bit.
I went into school, hugged a few friends then the questions started. "Where were you" "Is it true, did you actually try" "why didn't you talk to anyone". The thing is, if I tried no one would ever understand where I was coming from. So like I always did I hid my emotions, Faked like everything was okay. When in reality I never really was. The first few hours were okay, But until 5th hour, I couldn't take it anymore. My good friend at the time took me to the library, not knowing what was in store for him. Like we always did, we went to the library, but this time was different. We didn't talk. I just cried. As our time passed, Like any other day we would've gone back to class but instead I chose to stay until the end of fifth hour. The best choice for me. He chose to stay to, I love him deeply for that. Each class had it's struggles that day but when things got to be to hard for me He was there. Always there.

When struggling with depression its always good to take your time with it, Don't try and rush things, Like I did. I rushed myself back into my old life. I wasn't 100% which set me back. Take your time, It'll all be worth it in the end. If you struggle with anything it's okay to speak out, and get the help you need, Don't hold anything in. It's not healthy at all.

8 months and I'm still here.

It has been 8 months and Life couldn't be more of struggle for me.

On March 25,2011 My best friend saved my life

He pushed me to get the help I needed, without him I wouldn't be here today.
From day one when I was admitted into Abbott Northwestern Hospital, I've had a better time dealing with what problems I face. There I learned how to control my urges, How to handle different situations, and when to just walk away. At Abbott Northwestern, I struggled the first couple of days, crying and having my melt downs, and just feeling isolated. Until we branched out into our groups, I finally opened up. There I met the most amazing people, and to this day we still keep in touch. They understood me, the way no one else ever could.They helped me through a lot, with a constant reminder that from this day forward no matter where we are, they will catch me when I fall.
It was three in the morning when I was finally admitted into the building, but the hours before that were the most difficult for me. In the emergency room is where it all hit me. Seeing patients being rushed into the hospital scared me. I cried in my moms arms, and in that moment I realized things were about to get real. In the hospital I learned a lot about myself, about who I am, and what I stand for.

A link to the place that put me back together:
http://www.abbottnorthwestern.com/

This one is for you;

My True Friend

With each step

each breath 

A stone left un-turn 

Our journey together, with more lessons to learn

My life in your hands

you made me who I am

Priceless, almost lifeless

You rescued me

My lowest you made me shine

My smile so dull, Soon sparked by you

The laugh so faint, Echos as people pass through

You showed me the brighter side

From the emptiness that I hide

you opened my eyes

The world around me seemed so blank

Until that day, My heart sank

You showed me who I am

Strong, Careful,Kind

Your heart so full

you let me through

Just remember my true friend

I will always love you

-Kayla Pesek

10/26/11

Harm;

Their Words

Their Words

The rude and cruel things they say 

Are written all over my body. 

with each scar on my arms & legs,

That the razors left across 

Each one deeper then the last

Cut by Cut making the words disappear, but only for a moment.

When the next hits

It hits you harder then the last.

Their Words

Fill my head with Lies about myself 

Until the day they become reality

I don't even know myself anymore

The person everyone knew 

Happy, with a smile that brightens most

is now dull and depressed

Because I finally see how others see me

Your words

Sweet and secure.

My body left with scars 

still look as it did yesterday

in others eyes

Beautiful 

My smile goes from Dull to Warm

and thats when it hits me

I have become someone I'm not

Because I let others control who I am

Your sweet words bring me back to reality

I become myself again

and finally

 those words that consumed me
become small like the dust left on a pin.

-Kayla Pesek.

10/25/11

This brought reality;

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EY2Yct8LjOo
My best friend Anna Buege, made me listen to this song the day I got out of the Hospital, When I heard it I cried. My best friends held me together when I was at my weakest. She stood by me while others left. She's a true friend.

Help with Depression;

This website has a lot of information on depression:

http://www.cmha.ca/bins/content_page.asp?cid=3-86-87

Causes.

• Specific distressing life event.
• a biochemical imbalance in brain.
• psychological factors, Like negative or pessimistic view of life.

Symptoms of Depression.

• Feeling worthless, helpless, or hopeless
• Sleeping more or less than usual
• eating more or less than usual
• having difficulty concentrating or making decisions
• loss of interest in taking part in activities 
• avoiding other people
• overwhelming feelings of sadness or grief
• feeling unreasonably guilty
• loss of energy, feeling very tired
• thoughts of death or suicide 

My Life;

"With each path you take you have two choices, you can go Left or you can go Right, You may not always like where you end up but its how you got there that means something."

 For the past year I have had to deal with a lot in my life, and where it has led me, well it has been a long journey.  I'm not ashamed of my past and how I dealt with the problems I faced, In someways it made me stronger as a person rather than weak, as some say I am. I've made some mistakes that is but do I regret them, No. Because if I hadn't made them I wouldn't be where I am today. Each person deals with suicidal thoughts differently. Some just let it pass, Others go to the extreme of taking action. Depression Kills.

 "We often are thrown into problems that may cut us down as a person and tear us apart, but those that have the courage to stand up again, are the one that are true to themselves. "